Overtired

Garry [shows Anthony a picture of himself]: Do you know when that was taken? It was when we went to London and we hired a Vaxhaull Zafirah.

Marc: You went by helicopter?

Milk

Marc: What's a mammal?

Beam me up

Marc: I woke up at 3.45 this morning with a beaming light coming through my window.

Andy: Was it the police helicopter?

Marc: No, it was some kind of moon.

Jailbird

[a message appears in Marc's MSN that says 'Pics of Paris Hilton leaving jail!' with an attatchment called 'parishilton.exe']

Marc: *click* *click*

Ronald

Daz [in despair about a project at work]: Looks like I'll be going to McDonalds after this.

Marc [pricks up his ears at the word 'McDonalds' and says excitedly]: Are we?

BK

Andy [annoyed]: Why don't you go to fucking Burger King to get us lunch?

Marc: Oi. Don't raise your language at me.

Laver

Andy [to Garry]: What's the name of that Welsh seaweed they eat?

Marc: Leeks?

Love it or hate it

Marc: Who would buy a packet of Marmite Yeast Extract crisps?

Daz: They're lovely.

Marc: That's discusting.

Andy: Don't you like Marmite?

Marc: Yeah, but not Marmite Yeast.

X-factor

Marc: I was playing X-box at the weekend and i was sweating but it was really strange cause there was loads of sweat coming out of this arm and none from this arm. It was really wierd.

White on rice

Marc [looking into a tupperware pot of jumbalaya]: What happens when you eat rice cold?

On the buses

Marc: I saw you on the bus this morning.

Andy: Oh yeah. Where?

Marc [Giving Andy a puzzled look]: On the bus.

Gone for a song

[Andy is singing the high bits from 10cc's "if you leave me now"]

Garry: Marc, Andy is singing.

Marc [shouts]: I'm not singing!

Psycho II

Daz: So Marc, did you get any sex at the weekend?

Marc: No. Just a whole lot of shouting.

More adventures with Grease

[The office radio is playing the rather nice re-edit of 'Beggin' by Frankie Valli]

Andy: The guy that does this did the theme tune to Grease.

Marc: What, John Travolta?

My little pony

Marc: I'm growing my hair so I can put it into a side ponytail.

I can see clearly now

Marc: I think I'm going to sit on the toilet with my sunglasses on.

Bunny boiler

Garry: How's your new girlfriend?

Marc: Psychotic.

Legless

[Anthony shows Marc a picture of a slow worm]

Marc: Do they have legs?

...and celebrations

Marc: "Congratulations"? That's a big f****ing word.

Disco biscuits

Marc [eats one of Andy's biscuits]: Mmmmm. I like the salty sugaryness of it. What is that? Salt?

Fell out the tree

[Marc and Garry are talking about baldness]

Garry: You know Duncan Goodhugh?

Marc: Is that the dude with the big feet?

Hot in here

Marc [suffering]: It's hot in here today.

Garry: Well, you are wearing a jumper...

Marc: Yeah, but i can't take it off.

Garry: Oh, you not wearing a tshirt underneath?

Marc: Yeah, but it's really tiny.

Check me out

[Garry walks past Marc and ruffles his hair]

Marc: Don't do that! You'll mess it up and girls won't look at me twice!

Jew

Anthony: If I was a rapper I think I would be called 'Nice Tea'.

Marc: If you were a rabbi?

Lips inc.

Marc: Do you remember when i used to do this?

[Marc makes an otherworldly noise. Anthony looks puzzled.]

Marc: It's whistling and blowing out at the same time.

[When the office points out that you blow out when you whistle anyway Marc spends the next few minutes holding up his hand in front of his face and whistling into it to check.]

Scrumptious

[Daz and Anthony are trying to persuade Marc that they have picked the apples that they are eating at their desks are off a tree in the park]

Marc [looks horrified]: Don't be stupid, you can't eat them straight off the tree like that!

Heat absorption

Garry [walks into the office]: It's hot in here.

Marc: That's your fault for wearing such a dark shirt.

Marcipedia

Anthony [walks past Marc's computer, glances at his screen and stops sharply]: Marc, did you just type the word "Nonce" into Google?

[Anthony stays for a few moments more. Horrified, but too fascinated by watching Marc use the internet to move on.]

Anthony: Marc. You can't just go typing words like "flid" into search engines.

Marc [looking worried]: Why not, does someone read it?

Hold that thought

Marc: We should get a telepahy in here.

[The office collectively looks puzzled]

Marc: A telephalist.

[Office is still puzzled]

Marc: A telephalonist.

[Another few minutes pass before the office relises he is talking about a telepath]

Pavlova

[The office is having a discussion about what single food items can change their names when prepared - ie. Bread/toast]

Daz: What about egg whites/meringues?

Andy: That needs sugar.

Marc: What if you're allergic to sugar?

Crispy

Marc: If you barbecue cheese and onion crisps they taste really nice.

Milky

Anthony: What do cows drink?

Marc: Milk.

[Note: this wouldn't be so funny, apart from the fact that Marc falls for it every time.]

Trim

Marc: Never try shaving your pubes with a blunt razor.

Getting hotter

Anthony: Marc, do you ever wear shorts?

Marc: Not any more. What a waste of time that was.

Lirpa Sloof

Anthony [doing a count of Marcisms so far this year]: 15 in March, 16 in February...

Marc: How many in April?

Unfair FunBlair

[Anthony and Marc are talking about grafitti]

Anthony: Like writing 'F Blair' on a wall?

Marc: 'F Blair'?

Anthony [repeating it]: Yes, 'F Blair'

Marc [thinks about it for a while]: I thought it was T Blair?

Antipodean suspicion

Marc: Is Dame Edna a bloke?

Rock on

Daz [looking at something on the internet]: I've got a picture of a rock growing hair.

Marc [looks]: That's just a rock with a wig in a glass case.

[Then, as if to prove his conclusion]

Marc: Take it to the barbers and then see what happens.

Legs

Marc: I'm amazing at paintball. I never get shot. The only time I got shot was when I stood up by accident.

Smell

[A gorgeous smell of garlic wafts through the window from the Indian restaurant downstairs]

Anthony: Marc, I'll give you a fiver if you can identify that spice we can smell.

Marc: Kiev?

Name of the game

Marc: Andy, I'm gonna have a stab at guessing your mum's name.

Andy: ...

Marc: Janet? Margret?

[Andy doesn't respond]

Marc: Daz, I'm gonna have a stab at guessing your mum's name. Janet? Margret?

[Daz doesn't respond]

Marc: Andy, have a go at guessing my mum's name.

Andy [in desparation]: Gertrude?

Marc: No, but that is my car's name. Well done.

Anne Frank's drumkit

Andy: That's about as much use as Anne Frank's drumkit.

Anthony: Who's Anne Frank?

Marc: She's the one that got locked in a room with a diary, wasn't she?

Show me your papers

Anthony: Would you like a cup of tea, Marc?

Marc: Nein, bitte.

Urination

Marc: I was right up close to a girl peeing in the street on Saturday.

Walker

[Marc comes into the office]

Andy: Are you all right? You're walking funny.

Marc: Yeah, I've got a bad chest.

Paint

Daz: I said that you should wear old clothes in 'cause you're going to be doing some painting.

Marc: I know. I wore old pants in. [pulls the side of his boxers up above his waistband]. See?

Get up, stand up

Marc [is talking about his weekend]: My mate said "marc, stand up" and so i stood up and then he said "sit down" so i sat down and i was like, "what was that about" and he was like "she wanted to see if you were tall or not" so i was, like, "right, whatever."...

Dark side of the moon

[the rest of the office are quizzing Marc on the bizarre "bloody mary" myth that only he seems to have heard of. Members who heard it the first time are staring incredulously and ones who haven't are laughing afresh. Marc feels the need to justify himself]

Marc: It has to be a full moon.

Fleshy

[Anthony is continuing the tradition of reading out anniversary Marcisms and has got to the fish/meat one]

Marc: Well, that's kind of true. I mean, tuna - is that a fish?

[later]

Anthony: Meat is the flesh of an animal. It doesn't have to be a cow.

Marc: Yes, it could be lamb.

Vodka and tomato

[someone in the office mentions the words "bloody mary"]

Marc: Apparently, if you repeat "bloody mary" in a pub toilet six times she'll come out of the mirror and stab you.

Back in black

Marc: Why do they paint the lamposts in Bath black? At night you can't see them.

Fedde

[not at all a Marcism, as it's Marc being intentionaly witty and sharp, but here it is anyway]

Marc: Put up your hands for DFS - I love this settee.

Currying favour

Marc: Do you know what I think it is. It's the rice that gives it the spicyness...

Cock's prawntale

Daz: I bet you £50 you can't drink a pint of that Tom Yum soup over there.

Marc: No. I don't like spicy food. Plus I've got a fear of prawns.

Strawberry fields

[The office is talking about herbs]

Marc: I used to pack sorrel seeds. And cumin seeds. And this stuff called strawberry popcorn. Which isn't popcorn at all. As I found out when I grew some.

Do-re-me

Marc [randomly]: Have you seen the Sound of Music?

Paperback writer

Marc: I wrote something really big on a small bit of paper.

I love technology

Marc: Did someone invent technology?

Stating

[after saying something completely obvious and bringing the wrath of the office upon himself]

Marc: I was just making a fact.

Worrying

Marc [looking at his computer screen intently and then says quietly to no-one in particular]: What I wouldn't give to be that teddy bear...

Wide awake club

Anthony: ...you know, the guy that used to be in Blackadder. Now he's in Time Team.

Marc: Oh, Timmy Mallet.