Get out

Marc: I think there's a poltergeist in my house.

Everyone: How do you reckon that, then?

Marc: Sometimes I think I see someone out of the corner of my eye and some of my food goes missing.

[note: Marc lives in a shared house]

Beachwear

Anthony: So, what's on your Christmas list this year.

Marc: Flip flops. I've never had any and I want to see what they're like.

Difficult

[Anthony is telling Marc an anecdote and in the middle Marc starts making a strange noise]

Anthony: Are you taking the piss?

Marc: No, I just breathed in and out at the same time.

What a choke

Marc [puts the cord of the blind around his neck and takes the weight off his legs, pretending to hang himself. *chokes* Removes cord.]: Cor, that's really bad, I can understand why people don't like that.

Turkey (in two parts)

Part one

Marc [out of the blue]: Do we celebrate Thanksgiving in this country?

Part two

Andy: One thing I would like to try is Thanksgiving dinner. If there was a restaurant in Bath that did it I'd go along.

Marc: So it would only be open one day a year?

MO FO HO.

Garry: Well, Theres a Christmas shop in bath.

Marc: What and its only open on Christmas day, thats stupid!

Literature

Marc [to Anthony]: Why don't you use that Joan Collins typeface?

Anthony [after thinking for a while]: Do you mean Jane Austin?

Marc: Yep. That's her.