Stop the clocks

Marc: Do you think you could leave a stopwatch running for a whole year?

[pause]

Marc: I 'spose not, it's only got four numbers on it.

Gurt lush

Marc [talking about the shop]: You could have a bath in Lush and no-one would notice.

Jack Frost nipping at your nose

Marc: The thing about winter is that my bogies freeze and I can't get them out

Sick

Marc: You think he's bulimic?

Andy: No, he doesn't throw up, there's another word for it.

Marc: Bulimic?

hermaphrodite

Marc [talking about a video he'd seen]: He was an intersex person.

Psycho

Marc: I've really got to stop farting after I've had a shower. It really stinks.

Baldy

Marc: Is Sinead O'Connor a girl?

Cottage cheese

Anthony: I went over the park at lunchtime

Marc: Did you do any villaging?

Get out

Marc: I think there's a poltergeist in my house.

Everyone: How do you reckon that, then?

Marc: Sometimes I think I see someone out of the corner of my eye and some of my food goes missing.

[note: Marc lives in a shared house]

Beachwear

Anthony: So, what's on your Christmas list this year.

Marc: Flip flops. I've never had any and I want to see what they're like.

Difficult

[Anthony is telling Marc an anecdote and in the middle Marc starts making a strange noise]

Anthony: Are you taking the piss?

Marc: No, I just breathed in and out at the same time.

What a choke

Marc [puts the cord of the blind around his neck and takes the weight off his legs, pretending to hang himself. *chokes* Removes cord.]: Cor, that's really bad, I can understand why people don't like that.

Turkey (in two parts)

Part one

Marc [out of the blue]: Do we celebrate Thanksgiving in this country?

Part two

Andy: One thing I would like to try is Thanksgiving dinner. If there was a restaurant in Bath that did it I'd go along.

Marc: So it would only be open one day a year?

MO FO HO.

Garry: Well, Theres a Christmas shop in bath.

Marc: What and its only open on Christmas day, thats stupid!

Literature

Marc [to Anthony]: Why don't you use that Joan Collins typeface?

Anthony [after thinking for a while]: Do you mean Jane Austin?

Marc: Yep. That's her.

wun wabbit

Marc: [Reading FHM's morning glory email and clicking this link] What the hell...grumpy rabbits? Rabbits can’t smile anyway!

HELP!!!

Garry: Marc, why do you have "help" written on your hand?

Marc: Ah yea, I don’t know actually, I noticed that when I was in the shop.

ta very much

Anf: Marc, what’s that anagram of "ta"?

Marc: I don't freaking know... Thank you?

freeeeee hee Nelson Mandela

Daz: marc, what’s Nelson Mandela famous for?

Marc: umm

[Then we all here the faint sound of www.google.co.uk being tapped out]

Does my bomb look big in this?

Daz: [chatting to Garry about the Guildford 4...]

Marc: where there 4 of them then?

Flossin'

Daz: What's the dog eating?

Marc: Candy floss

[the office looks puzzled]

Daz [Standing up to see what it actually is]: You mean dental floss.

Aldi Quattro

Garry: [After over hearing the hullabaloo about lidl and marc’s comment] Marc, have you heard of aldi?

Marc: What the car people?

What the who...

Daz: [reading the bath chronicle] Andy, there’s a lidl coming to bath.

Andy: [being in to weird foreign foods] wow, that’s fantastic!

Marc: What the hell is LIDL's man?

DFS

Marc: [Whilst playing counter strike source at lunch time with bots (AI players) and watching them after he died] look at him just staring at the upholstery on the walls.

Anf: Don’t you mean wallpaper dude?

Parklife

Daz: Have you guys been watching Prehistoric Park?

Marc: That's bullshit, they can't really do that.

Can you tell what it is yet?

[Whilst reading "The Emu is the largest bird native to Australia" from wikipedia] Marc: I thought the ostrich was the biggest bird in the world?

Tis the season to be jolly.

[Whilst searching our birth dates on wikipedia] Marc: Go to Christmas, and see when Jesus was born.

Monday, Monday!

Garry: marc, whens you dad going away?

Marc: Thursday.

Garry: Thats tomorow then...

Marc: Oh, i keep thinking its wednesday.

I can't believe it's not butter

Anthony [shouting out the window to Marc who's going to the shop]: Can you get some margarine?

Marc: What's that?

China in your hand

Marc: My PSP doesn’t play all UMD's.

Daz: You should be able to watch all UMD's if you got it from China, as Japan and china are region 2 like us.

Marc: Yeah but I got it from Hong Kong.

Hard as

[the office is discussing nutrition and Garry is listing the top Things That Are Good For You]

Garry: ...and another is pomegranates.

Marc: I always thought pomegranate was a type of brick.

Down the pan

[Following a discussion about a company who have recently 'pimped' their loos - decorating them in fun ways]

Anthony: I know who'd be good at decorating a toilet

Marc: Laurence Lewellyn-Bowen

God save the queen

[As part of an ongoing project to release Marc out into the wild we occassionaly set him 'real life' tasks. Today's was to post a letter. Marc was given the choice between going to the post office or using the tools around the office to detirmine the postage beforehand so he could just pop over the road and put it in the box. After some initial confusion Marc opted for finding the correct postage and found the scales. I helped out by giving him the correct postage and Marc duly got the book of stamps and stuck one on the envelope... in the top left corner.]

Ring piece

Garry: Where's your new flat then?

Marc: Lower Bristol Road. Near a bed store.

Garry: Oh. Just by the porn shop then.

Marc: Is that where people go to sell their rings and stuff?

What a friend we have in cheeses

Andy [fishing for another post]: Name two different types of cheese, Marc.

Marc: Cheddar....

Daz [interupting]: Go on, say Dairylea.

Marc: Dairylea's butter, isn't it?

Someone better tell them

Marc: Dude, your sea monkeys swim upside down.

Well said

Marc [reading the last post]: 'Phone tick'?

Phonetic

[Darryl is writing the staff's names on a piece of paper and puts Marc down as 'Marc Knob']

Marc: 'Marc Kanoob'?

Please don't

Marc: Hmmm. I've got a sudden urge to pull my trousers down.

Milky

Marc: What's a 'mammal'?

[a cheer goes up as it's been a bit of a desert for Marcisms lately. Then...]

Marc: It's not a fish, is it?

Safety first

Marc [commenting on a good shot Ant played during a game of FIFA street]: That was safe as a nut!

Ginger nuts

Darryl: Dam. I can't remember that lady's [client who he had just met] name.

Marc [thoughfully]: Well, she had ginger hair ... so was it Antonia?

Monkeying around

Marc [reading his emails]: Anthony's got some Sea Monkeys. Now, I don't see the point in Sea Monkeys - they're invisible.

Darryl [after he stops giggling like a girl]: Marc. They're not invisible, they grow in a few days.

Marc: Do they look like monkeys?

It's not easy being green

Marc: I've eaten frog's legs and although they're not a vegetable they ARE green.

[then, inexplicably....]

Marc: I bet they'll put that in next year's edition of the Bible.

Twice as rice

Garry [at the dinner table]: Marc, would you like some rice pudding for afters?

Marc: Is that like salmonella?

Swollen plums

[Anthony picks up a plum from a basket of fruit and starts eating it]

Marc: I can't eat those, they remind me too much of my dog.

Duck knows

[After the last post Marc attempted to prove his pig theory by logging onto a 'little known facts' website. The tirade of shite that followed as he read the 'facts' out was too numerous and dull to bother typing for your pleasure until he got to...]

Marc: A duck's quack doesn't echo and nobody knows why.

Pigs can fly

Marc: Pigs can't look up.

[we all look at Marc witheringly. Andy logs into Marcism's ready for a new post]

Marc: It's a fact.

[as if to prove it Marc gets on all fours and pretends to be a pig straining to look up to the sky. If only we'd done a video blog...]

Play away

Marc has been away this past week. However, he is back now and it can only be a matter of time...

Junk

Marc: Hong Kong used to belong to America, didn't it?

Wella, wella, wella - uh

[Darryl is wondering aloud what John Travolta was doing celebrating with the Australian football team after their match yesterday]

Andy [after a long pause thinking up of a poor joke]: Maybe he was supporting his girlfiend's team. Olivia Newton-John's Australian, isn't she?

Marc: Is that his girlfriend?

Garry [explains with the patience of a saint]: No, that was his girlfriend in Grease.

Marc: Right.

[pause]

Marc: So they're back together now?

Full of beans

Tina [serving up some tea to Marc]: Do you like green beans?

Marc: Ummmm.. no, but I like orange beans.

Give him an inch and he takes a mile

[Marc is walking around holding a tape measure]

Andy: So, how long is a foot, Marc?

Marc [looks at tape measure]: 30 centimeters

[long pause]

Marc [lloks at tape measure again]: ...so how long is two feet?

Nutcase

Andy [talking to Anthony]: So you're allergic to hazlenuts?

Anthony: I think so.

Marc: So that means you can't eat Snickers?

Shaggy dog story

[a story that later spawned the post previous to this one]

Marc: We were on holiday and it was two o clock in the morning but we were still awake and we thought that a burglar outside the front door cause we heard scratching and so my dad and his friend went to the door and my dad had a baseball bat and his friend had a kitchen knife and they opened the door and there was a dog and then there was another dog that was pregnant and the dog went away and the pregnant dog came in the house and the next day we called the mayor and he came round and said that if no-one claimed the dog the puppies would have to be killed inside the mother and the mother would have to be killed too.

Ding dong

Marc: [answers the door buzzer] It’s a delivery
Anthony: Who for?
Marc: UPS